Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
