i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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