You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It's official drugs can't kill me
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
