Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
