My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
