I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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