you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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