In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
