My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
