just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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