I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
