i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
