I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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