i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
