I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Randomize
