cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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