good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I'm passing your future prison.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
