What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Come on in and take your pants off
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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