I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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