Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
