Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He keeps bees of course he's weird
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
