You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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