Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
