She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
