My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
