Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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