We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
