They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
