There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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