They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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