and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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