everyone is single if you try hard enough
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
