I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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