I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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