hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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