Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
