Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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