i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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