god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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