Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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