is your mom at the bar?
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
