yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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