you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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