I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
