I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Randomize
