Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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