I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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