never play flip cup with pint glasses
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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