I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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