Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
