Where did you get a picture of my penis
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
