I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i think my mom watched the whole time
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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