I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
