Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
