i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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